Pregnant Mom 'Stork Parking' Is for the Birds

I wouldn't say that the world is exactly brimming over with opportunities for pregnant women to receive preferential treatment. Pregnancy is a normal physiological process, after all, and most of us are expected to carry out our usual duties when we're expecting a child. But the idea of a "pregnant ladies don't have to stand in line" policy made me think of a teeny, tiny pet peeve of mine.

You know, the parking spots—usually at Babies 'R' Us—that are reserved for pregnant moms. Nothing against pregnant women, but ... I kind of hate that stupid freaking sign.

I know, I know, I sound like a bitter old crank who's just jealous she isn't pregnant right this very instant. Oh, you got me there—I SO wish I were lumbering around with itchy hemorrhoids and missile-sized boobs just for the thrill of parking next to the handicapped spaces. Not.

It's just that if any able-bodied person on this earth could use a closer parking spot, it's the mother who has one or more children on the OUTSIDE of her body. I mean, come on, a fetus might be uncomfortable, but at least the child is self-contained. Pregnancy is a cake walk compared to the logistical ass-painery of ferrying children through parking lots once they're born. If you're not chasing them down to make sure they don't blindly run out in front of a moving vehicle, you're wrestling them into strollers or hefting them in arm-cracking carseats. Even now that my kids are 6 and 3, I feel like a bug-eyed Border collie whenever we navigate a parking lot, because children can be—well, there's no nice way to say this: CHILDREN CAN BE STUPID AS HELL.

In comparison, a pregnant woman typically only has to worry about whether her ever-increasing ass will fit between the parking spaces as she waddles in to survey the burp cloths. I'm just saying: I may have been Michelin-sized when I was pregnant, but it was a damn sight easier to get around than it is now that I have two kids in tow.

I realize some pregnant women have health issues that affect their mobility, but ... well, is that not what a temporary handicap placard is for?

It's pretty obvious that when Babies 'R' Us puts up a stork parking sign, it's just a customer appreciation effort—something that markets to their target demographic. It makes sense there, even if it does irritate me a bit. But when stork parking shows up at grocery stores and other places, it seems a little ridiculous to give preferential parking to someone who isn't handicapped.

I'd rather see a store focus on making the aisles wide enough and the carts safe enough. Or better yet, if our society would like to provide a more convenient situation for pregnant women, how about more flexible work situations, better maternity leave, and health insurance that actually covers our medical expenses?