What you need to know

There are few things more beautiful than a pregnant woman -- from a distance. Once you get closer, you tend to notice most expectant mothers are covered with bristly hairs, blotchy patches and a multitude of skin tags. As wondrous and miraculous as pregnancy may be, it also ushers in changes so intense they make puberty look like a cakewalk. Come along as we examine the many terrifying ways your wife's body will change during her pregnancy.

She'll turn into a gasbag

You know the way you feel after eating five pounds of bratwurst? Your wife will likely feel the same way during the duration of her pregnancy as she combats excessive bloating and rising gas levels. The average person passes gas 14 to 23 times a day, but pregnant women often double that odiferous output thanks to higher-than-usual levels of progesterone. This hormone relaxes smooth muscle tissue in the gastrointestinal tract, thereby making your wife sound -- and smell -- like she's just returned from a chili-eating contest. Complicating matters further is the fact that a woman's growing uterus crowds her abdominal cavity, slowing digestion and causing painful bloating.
She'll drool
It's every man's dream to have women drooling all over him, and in pregnancy, that's precisely what happens. Many pregnant women suffer from ptyalism, a hormonal condition that leads to excessive saliva production. Ptyalism occurs most often during the first trimester, but it does affect some women during the full duration of their pregnancy, making their saliva almost as hard to swallow as your story about where you were until 3:00 am.

She'll gain weight

It's perfectly natural for a woman to gain weight during pregnancy, but some men aren't adequately prepared for the sheer number of pounds their spouse packs on. According to the latest data from the Institute of Medicine, the average healthy woman should gain between 25 to 35 pounds during her pregnancy. Approximately seven of those pounds should be the baby itself, with the rest of the weight divided among the placenta, the amniotic fluid, the muscle layer of the uterus, additional fluid and blood, and the 57 pints of Chunky Monkey she ate during her last trimester.

She'll experience hemorrhoids

Pregnancy can be challenging at the best of times, but for many women, it's literally a pain in the ass. That's because a woman's growing uterus puts pressure on her pelvic veins, thereby slowing the return of blood from the lower half of her body and increasing the pressure on the veins beneath her uterus. This causes the veins to become more dilated and can result in painful hemorrhoids and constipation. This problem is further complicated by the pressure exerted on a woman's rectum from her growing baby. Add it all up, and it's easy to see why so many women have difficulty getting comfortable during the later stages of their pregnancy.
She'll develop hobbit feet

You know what they say about men with big feet? Of course you do. You've been saying it ever since you noticed you had the largest feet among all your friends. But do you know what they say about women with big feet? They're probably pregnant. That's because pregnant women suffer from edema, an abnormal accumulation of fluid beneath the skin. This condition can cause swelling of the hands and face, but it's especially evident in a pregnant woman's feet and ankles since her rapidly growing uterus puts pressure on her pelvic veins causing blood to pool in her lower extremities. Edema generally occurs during the third trimester and is at its worst in warm weather and at the end of the day. The swelling usually disappears after childbirth, but some women find that their feet never return to their original size.

She'll develop a mask

Many men believe their wives have two faces, and in pregnancy, they often do. Pregnant women frequently experience something called chloasma, which is the appearance of brownish or yellowish patches on the forehead, nose, chin, and cheeks. Often referred to as "the mask of pregnancy," chloasma occurs when a woman's hormones prompt the melanin cells in the skin to produce more pigment but fail to distribute it uniformly, making it look as though they've applied their makeup in the dark. This condition generally subsides a few months after pregnancy and is far more likely to affect women with dark hair and darker complexions.

She'll become a marked woman

The same factors that produce chloasma also produce linea nigra, a dark line that runs from a pregnant woman's bellybutton to her pubic bone. The line eventually fades a few months after pregnancy, but until that time, it tends to look as though your wife has been drawing on her belly with a magic marker.
Her boobs will take on a life of their own

Nearly every man trembles with anticipation when he imagines how robust his wife's breasts will become during pregnancy. And rightly so. Most women do jump up one or two cup sizes. But not all of the changes to your wife's bikini stuffers are welcome. For starters, pregnancy causes prominent bluish veins to appear under the skin's surface, making your wife's breasts look like a road map of Tennessee. The areola also darkens and increases in size, the nipples become distended and the breasts often begin leaking a thick yellowish liquid called colostrum. Most of these symptoms subside after a woman stops breastfeeding, but it generally takes a while before your wife's perky little blouse bunnies return to their natural size and shape.
She'll break out
Pregnant women produce higher levels of hormones called androgens, which boost production of an oily substance called sebum. This, in turn, causes acne, thereby making your wife look like a knocked-up high-school student. Approximately 1% of pregnant women also experience red pimply eruptions on their abdomen, thighs and extremities. This rather unseemly condition is called pruritic urticarial papules, and it tends to disappear post-pregnancy.

She'll develop skin tags

Personal growth is usually a good thing, but not when it comes to skin tags. Many pregnant women develop these tiny flesh-colored polyps in areas where skin rubs together, like under their breasts, in their armpits and between neck folds. These harmless protrusions are caused by the growth of a superficial layer of skin, but unlike hemorrhoids and darkened areolas, they don't always disappear post-delivery.

She'll spend half of her day in the washroom

Remember the good old days when your wife could go hours at a time without using the washroom even once? Those days are long gone. The amount of blood in a woman's body increases exponentially when she becomes pregnant, leading to plenty of extra fluid passing through her kidneys and ending up in her bladder. As the baby grows larger, your wife's bladder will also begin holding less urine, making frequent dashes to the ladies' room an absolute necessity. On the positive side, it does allow you to seize the remote control while she dashes to the loo.